sesquipedalien

I know for a fact that no one is reading this blog anymore. I myself have stopped writing in it. The reason is probably embedded in various excuses, but I suppose I tired of complaining or displaying my utterly mundane life with a butter knife.

But this post isn’t about that drivel!

I have started an experiment, a rather selfish one at that, but an experiment nevertheless. I am asking people for 11 words/thoughts/phrases. I’ll take them and compose a short piece of writing with it. In return, all I ask is that the person grades it.

It gives me practice and exercises my brain, but it’s also fun and so far, in my ten days of doing this, I have learned the definitions to at least 11 new words. It’s a pleasure.

I aim to have 365 of these and have 365 DIFFERENT people contribute their 11 words… challenge there too, seeing as I probably don’t know 365 people. But I’ll find them!

Anyway, if you’re reading this and you haven’t already heard me go on about this project, please feel free to submit your 11 words here or on the project website via commenting.

Thanks in advance, as always.

“No.”

“Why!?”

“It’s too low.”

My sigh was far from gentle. I had gotten through five changes of clothes, and time was not abundant either. Plus, after six hours of driving, my patience was not exactly patient.

I slipped into the delicate white knitted top and stepped out.

“OK. That’s fine.”

Shoes were in a different circle of hell altogether. I finally walked out in the flattest pair I could find. Apparently he was on the shorter side of the spectrum.

I wished desperately for my sister.

My grandmother brushed my forehead with her lips and told me to be good. I smiled back saying I would be myself. She laughed and the sun peeked out of the shielded sky briefly, just to light up her sweet face.

“T, you always bring the rain.” My mother half grinned back at me as the garage door slid shut.

“Yes, the whole world is weeping with me.”

“No! It’s a good omen! It was raining the day you were born! Hush!”

I thanked the water drops for the lullaby as we drove between the hills of half charred trees. Unfortunately sleep itself was too self conscious to slap me.

A house is a structure. It is most defined, I think, by the scent that greets a guest.

This house was humble. There was no scent.

After respectfully greeting his parents, we gathered in the living room. The sofa creaked solemnly as I receded myself on to it. Interestingly enough, the carpet lacks color in my memory despite the fact that the carpet held much of my visions attention during my three hours there.

I glanced up occasionally, taking in the neat, half packed piles of boxes. There were trophies from the 1996 Catskill NY convention on top of the slightly dusty television. An anniversary gift stood on the lamp table next to my elbow. Only one framed picture stared back at me from the wall… the brilliant smiles of mother and father shone into the camera lens, gazes slightly surprised and unused to the position at which they stood: she in front of him with his arms around her waist and hands in her lap.

“Hello.” He greeted the whole.

The corners of my eyes studied him quickly. Jeans, checked shirt lined in shades of blue, clean shaved, gelled hair cropped closer to the scalp, a slightly dimpled smile.

Perfect teeth.

He sat into the sofa instead of on it. He asked about my brother. He smiled at the carpet. He played with his rakhis. He fiddled with his fingers. His nails were clean.

The parents continued their small talk of one subject or the other. The trips planned for December, the little happenings of everyday life, and oh, did we hear about this family’s hassles?

And then, there was silence. Complete, prologued, breath loud silence.

If I had been human, perhaps my cheeks would have flamed. Bloomed from invisible buds. The spelling of awkward painting its silently loud mark.

I filled instead with laughter. My lips stalled the urge with a wide smile behind my hand. Ah the absurdity of this! Of sitting in the year of 2007 practicing something that was of my cultural norm 6 decades ago! I glanced around to find them all staring at something below regular vision line and bit my lower lip… oh if some one could paint this! I laughed harder inside.

She announced dinner then, and we gathered again at the dinning table. I filled bowls of sweetened milk, fingers expertly doing their job, neatly, efficiently. We bowed our heads and murmured the shlok. And we ate. I sat across my father, he sat across his mother. We sat diagonally crossed.

Women often claim to have a sense of knowing when they are glanced at. I lack that radar most times. I am more interested in where my eyes land to notice eyes being directed at me. If he examined me at any point during the meal, I missed it. I caught his speed, though. His deftness and precision in a simple act as tearing a piece of flat bread. We finished at the same time. And waited patiently for the others to catch up.

He was waiting for our departure. He glanced at his pseudo-blackberry frequently after dinner. He had a place to be. I appreciated the fact by filling up with laughter again. I had a place to be too… land of nod.

After another attack of no-speak, I offered,

“We should be off.”

His father nodded to him and he disappeared returning with a slip of paper for me.

Ah. Contact Info. Nice. Thank you.

You forgot your insurance company buddy.

“That was weird.” I announced to my anxious parents from the back seat. “I don’t think people do this anymore.”

I fell asleep listening to the rumblings of traffic.

Accidents happen.

All the time.

Ha.

When you are doing something you have no heart to do, you do not deserve to be doing it, nor do you deserve to be. You are then, not of yourself, but a you of what your mindful sensibilities tell you to be. What is authenticity anyhow? I should suppose that it is your hearts living. Yet this is merely supposed because in essence your mind/practicality is also striving for its own authenticity. The means of a survival in the society which requires a certain practicality in order to live.

It is strange to see how alone you are. It is stranger still to see how dependent you are despite your onliness. Thoreau was not a madman “Walking” and thriving on his own philosophical pride. The reason to be authentic is to create a society that is equally authentic. A world that is created by parts that may not necessarily fit in pieces, but which, when merged together, are so profoundly in sync that if singled out it would lose its quality. (There is a reason why giraffes seen at the zoo and giraffes seen in a safari are two different entities which arouse two different experiences.) In effect, you are alone but you are alone only because you are not. Your individualism is only intensified/realized because you are a part of a greater whole. It is defined by you as much as you are defined by it.

I suppose this is the basis of religions, groups/communities, even cults: the sense of belonging to an “authentic” society in which “authentic” individuals should thrive. See, in observance this is not necessarily a bad idea. There seems to have been successful lives among certain such groupings. There do exist individual who ~are~ following their hearts, so to speak, and are enhanced by the society in which they belong. It can work. Has worked.

Here is when it all goes wrong: the claiming and enforcing of ones own authenticity on an other individual simply because of the faith and the assurance that this authenticity is the BEST and ONLY. Really, the absurdity of this is so…obvious! A maple tree cannot demand a redwood to identify itself as a maple simply so that the redwood can fit in its grove (brainwashing might work, but eh, that is another dilemma all together). Rather the redwood would, or should (heh) understand its individuality and reject the grove: It will not enhance it. In fact, even if born in a forest of maples, the redwood would perhaps not survive past a twig-ling. Trust me on this… you don’t see redwoods in a maple grove!

But maples do exist. So do redwoods. As they should.

Point: You cannot make some one be what they are not. Rather, accept what makes your self you and them themselves. Even if the seed is your own, the seed is, in effect, its own. You own nothing but yourself. Nothing you produce is yours after it has been given. These words may have been written from my mind, and I do hold responsible for them, but in essence these words are an entity in and of themselves. Simply the fact that they are mine in said does not mean I am or own the response they give to those that read them. I don’t own these words. I produced them. I let them be and do whatever it is that words do. I can try and guide them, cultivate them so that my meaning gets across as clearly as possible, but really it all matters on the words and those that take them. Nothing is mine except myself. If only that concept is understood will there ever be a world in which authenticities shall be and survive ~peacefully.~ And maybe happily.

The reason why I pour this all out is to remind myself that I do not deserve to be. I am all that I am not. I do not belong in the society I am in. I cannot thrive here and I doubt I ever will. There is a death-like characteristic that is creeping to my being and it is causing pain not only to myself but also to those around me. It was the LAST thing I wanted to be: a pain inflicter. But it is ultimately what you become when you are inauthentic: a wasted piece of shit with no qualities except that of a worthless piece of shit.

And with that, I take your leave.

I hated learning my times tables. My mother would sit us at the dining table and demand the production of sheet after sheet of row after row of numbers after sequenced numbers. Like I said, it was not a fond practice. But we’d do it. And then wonder if when we were twenty whether we would still remember them.

I keep reminding him: She was right. They never leave you.

He scowls up at me and keeps filling the little lined boxes.

Math is not his strength. He finds it both interesting and boring. It’s still a chore to him.

Every evening though, like this evening, he hands his neatly done homework for our father to check. I am putting away dinner leftovers.

Ah, I see my own miniture self! My own anxious eleven year-old face trying to look non-involved, busy, but so worried. Like his today. And every day.

Father sits, his bespectacled vision glancing over the problems, his mind animated under a serene face. The face we all grew up loving, abiding, wanting to please.

“T.”

I wince.

He winces with me.

The way the name is uttered signals faults. A mistake.

A stupid one.

Father takes an envelope from the junkmail pile and turns it over.

“I don’t understand this T. Why are you making such careless mistakes? This is ~substraction.~”

I hear pencil strokes. My brother peers timidly at the envelope. Two rows of decimals. A minus sign intwixt.

“So you carry over a one.” His voice is tiny.

Father follows his intructions.

“You do 12 minus 8.”

The pencil stalls over the envelope and switches over to the homework paper.

There is a five.

“It’s supposed to be a four.” He grimaces with each word.

“See. You are so careless. How can you be so careless. It’s the little things that matter T. And it’s ok to make a mistake, but you don’t even look it over! What do you expect to get if don’t look over?”

I hang my head. For him. With him.

I watch them. My own memories washing forth. Ah my brother…

Our father is an excellent teacher. His explanations and metaphors are sometimes unbeatable. When it comes to finding and fixing faults, he is quite sharp and direct. As I grew older, I came to accept that as part of his nature. He means no harm…

But oh, the humilation that you sink into as you listen to his voice telling you of your seemingly mortifying mistakes…

The apple pie for dessert is waiting for my attention. I take it out and set it to cool. He passes by, saying something about going to bed, and waking up early.

I follow him. His head is face down on his feather pillow.

“Hey buddy!”

No response.

I sit on his mattress, tousel his hair. “Want a massage?”

No response.

I rub the back of his shirt and slowly loosen his shoulders with my thumbs. He spreads his arms out, and then tucks them under his pillow.

My sister walks in.

“Hey, doesn’t T want and pie?”

She cuddles next to him, his face hidden in the curve of her arm.

“Hey,you know, Dad used to yell at me too. And that too becasue I didn’t know two plus two.”

She lets the tips of his hair crawl against her fingers.

“Come on, it’s Dad. He did that to us too. He does it for us you know. Makes us better.”

He turns his head away and I know he’s crying.

“Don’t you want pie?” she asks, “Come on, you love pie!”

“I think T will have pie tomorrow when he comes back from school, right bro?”

He nods slightly.

“M!”

Father’s voice. Calling.

My sister hugs him once more and goes to answer.

I turn off the light and tuck him in, lying by him for a few minutes.

“So. What’s up?”

He sighs. “The ceiling. The fan. The lights.”

I chuckle. And turn his face to me. “No really? What’s up?”

“”No really. The ceiling.”

I smile. “So, do you miss me and M?”

“Yes.”

“A lot?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not fun living in a house of grown ups is it?”

“No.”

“Get’s lonely?”

“Yeah. Sometimes.”

I feel guilt wash over me. I sometimes wish I was at home more, just to be with him. School had not only given me freedom, but robbed me of some too…

“But you have soccer. And Sabha. And school.”

“Yeah.”

“Who do you hang out with at school?”

“People.”

“People? What kind of people?”

“I dunno. People.”

“Smart people or dumb people?”

I can sense his smile. “I play football with people. Some are smart. Some are dumb.”

I chuckle. He is tired. I kiss the top of his clean head.

“T, I love you.” The words sort of hang and settle. Like a feather landing after a quiet journey in a gentle breeze. It’s a rare feather. Especially in this household.

But I love this little kid. I love him almost unconditionally.

I kiss him one more time, tuck him in properly.

“Goodnight bro. JS.”

No response.

He’s already breathing deeply.

I can hear the light swish of my walk up and down the halls of the small ER as the corduroys rub against each leg. I can hear it despite the hurried whirlwind of chatter exchanged between RN’s, doctors and patients. The nurses smile back at my own grinning face, recognizing me immediately as the girl whose name was too hard to say. They call me Katie instead. So much more ~easier~ to yell “Katie!” when they need something…

There is a child standing in the hallway with his mother. Four years old, maybe five. “Do you like teddy bears?” He stares at me and smiles shyly. “It’s a yes or no question buddy.” I smile back. He nods quickly, his lower lip enveloped underneath his still baby upper teeth. I hand him one and he looks up. I lean down and shake his hand. “Where does it hurt today?” “My head.” “Your head? Aww… what happened?” “I slipped!” His eyes widening. “Really!? On what?” “On concrete.” “I see.” His mother grins down at him fondly, “Yeah, we have to get his head scanned.” “CT scan?” She nods. I tell them to let me know if they need anything, and walk on.

I pass them again and his eyes are hungry. It’s almost 9 pm. “I’m starving!” “He missed his dinner.” I bend down again to his height and register his blue irises. “So what shall it be? Graham crackers or saltines?” He tilts his head to the side in decision. “Graham crackers!” “What do you say?” his mother taunts. “Please!” I love watching that pain dissipate… so ~simple~ to cure. He stuffs them with a delicate nature, letting crumbs litter his cheeks until his mother wipes them away. “Thank you!” I tousle his hair. Then wash my hands.

The lead RN calls. “I need you to watch him for me for a bit. He’s NOT supposed to be alone.” I raise my eyebrows and she confirms, “Yeah. Suicidal.” The ER is small, but the beds are in need. So there are 5 hallway stations, 5 beds against the wide hallway where the traffic never fails to jam. You get used to it. He lies on a bed in the hallway. Irritation swiftly climbs through me as minutes pass. He’s old. Old enough to be called older than old. I hate standing like this. I hate watching regret grow in the folds of failures. But watch I did. Such pain etched in his face. Such annoyance boiling within me. I want to kick the bed… And then, I leave. Leave him with his lover who comes bustling in, caressing his hand, asking for ice to wipe his blackened lips with.

A mother is sobbing quietly. Her back against the wall, crouching with her head in her hands. I reach her and tentatively make eye contact. “Shall I get you some tissues?” She sobs more and nods. Her little boy lies unconscious inside. I hand her the box and read her fingers, trembling. A wave of sympathy, a desperate need to ease her worry. I say nothing and give her a light hug which she gratefully accepts.

Screams suddenly pierce the hallways. They spread through thickly, missing not one soul. They hit me strong, nauseating, shocking. They are a mans cries. The wife runs out, compressing herself against the wall, her hands pressed to her ears, her eyes the very image of his distress. I want to sob with her, with him. Never, never have I heard so much agony in single notes…

His leg is amputated… and the healing is going wrong.

The entire place is shaken up. Other patients wonder fearfully, the doctors gather around the area of emission, the nurses in a slight emotional havoc. There is not a single face that smiles while those pleas of “No! no! please…no!” shatter the hurricanes eye.

The clock reads 11:00 pm.

The yells dwindle, and the wife goes running back in. The atmosphere repairs itself. An ambulance arrives with a case of abuse… she looks young and devastated. The atmosphere remains fixed.

I clean the beds and a nurse peeks in.

“Happy birthday Katie! Heard it was your day today!” I smile a thank you to his jolly face. “How old are ya?” “21.” His face does a somersault. “What!? You look like 15!” I laugh. “Nope, 21.” “Jeez kid! What are you doing here? Of all nights! You should be out partying! Drinking your share!” I shrug and slap on a noncommittal mask. He leaves with another “Happy 21!”

I can’t help but grin to myself.

My feet are sore. My stomach on empty. My head a bit heavy. It’s almost midnight. The last patient I talk to is a lady who is waiting for a room. “Who was that?” She asks curiously, “he broke my heart.” “I don’t know ma’am,” I answer, fixing her monitor. “I can’t bear it! I really can’t. How do you all manage? How do you all work among so much… ~pain~!?” I smile at her, not answering. She sighs. “He broke my heart.”

I tuck her in.

“You’ll be great one day. I can just tell. How old are you? 15?” she squints her elderly eyes at me.

I laugh. “I turned 21 today.”

She grabs my hand and holds it.

“Happy birthday dear. Thank you for everything.”

And nothing could have ended my day better.

I sit in a slight daze of thoughts, unaware of the pair of eyes that are staring at me.

“T.”

I jerk to face my padre.

“T, if there was a poisonous snake here, and I told you not to catch it but you insisted to catch it with your bare hands thinking yourself capable, would you be considered a fool or a brave?”

I give a calculated smile. “A fool.”

He nods. “Now, if I told you the reason why you shouldn’t go near the snake, and you still insisted on catching it to PROVE my reasoning, what would you call yourself?”

“Fool that learned something the hard way.”

He nods again.

“If I told you T, the reason and the fact that you’re going to learn your lesson the hard way and still you insisted to catch it with your bare hands, what are you?”

I scoff. “A stubborn fool.”

He stares at me with an intenseness that is hard to look away from. “At least you can answer it correctly.”

It’s not that I don’t understand. I know his thoughts as well as I know mine. He has my sympathy, my compassion, my obedience… a daughter’s sometimes senseless love for her father.

He, as the father, has the protectiveness (perhaps adding an “over” to the phrase wouldn’t mar the truthfulness of it either) required of his character. (I suppose I got my gift and love of metaphors from him too…)

And as we fight, yes! we fight!, titles arise.

Titles that precede or follow.

Warrior. Fighter. Brave.

Why? Oh, in sake!, why!?

What do they mean tied me!?

I see no courage in this.
I see no victories.
I see no trophies.
I see no glories.

I see pain instead.
I see heartfelt sears.
I see empty frontiers.
I see permanent smears.

We stand against each other with equal difficulty.
We attack each other with equal hesitancy.
We wound each other in equal degrees.

How could only I acquire such titles? Why not him too? Why not!? He deserves all that I do! Or I deserve nothing at all…

No. No. No.

A war between two rights is beyond titles.

Applaud not. Praise not. Honor not.

Watch. Learn. Sympathize if you will to (compassion is so very appreciated!).

And hope, for the sake of being human, that such a duel never occurs in a lifetime that is yours.

“Does it mean then Daddy, that I can live it too?” I spread a sly smile creeping wider.

He gives me a hard smile. “Perhaps, my stubborn fool.”

Ay, the stubborn fool.

The title meant to be.

Perchance.